guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
