I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
