the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
