i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
