i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
