i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it's like iHOP with fire
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
