You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
