God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
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I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
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When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
A bitchslap is in order.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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