i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
