# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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