You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
ttyl tear gas
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
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