he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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