so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's official drugs can't kill me
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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