I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
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beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
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How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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