i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize