I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
