woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
