i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
