how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
