So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's blow job season.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
