he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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