I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
