dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i came on her dog
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
