I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
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I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
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we're so committed to being not committed
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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