One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
