so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
