This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
