Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
