If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
