I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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