I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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