My friends, they love my intelligence
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
