They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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