Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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