Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Randomize
