i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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