I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
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shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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