I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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