please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
