what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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