so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
How does it feel to date your dad?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
