Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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