her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
