somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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