you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
