The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.