Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
