Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street