She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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