i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
