happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
