with your own penis?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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