nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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