What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
