Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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