my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
