My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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