I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
