so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
