he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
